Sadly, today's 52% divorce rate frequently arises from
complaints by one or both spouses in two key areas: sex and
money. One reason for this is the quest for personal
independence. Getting married forces us to surrender individual
existence for a shared life, and this can lead to a
confrontation with selfishness and trust issues in combining
money and making spending or saving decisions. She may want to
save for a dream vacation while he is ready to plunk down every
cent on a new gun rack or bowling ball.
Everyone brings unique values to a marriage. Learning how to
share a household budget and curb spending excesses that were
manageable before have led many a couple to the brink of
divorce. It takes time to get used to the idea of sharing
intimate purchasing goals and long-term savings plans with
another human who is imperfect, just as each of us is. If one of
the spouses changes jobs or takes a pay cut, the other may
become resentful, and conflict may result.
Credit cards are another source of tension, with the average
household consumer debt in the $6,000 to $10,000 range, although
many families carry even higher balances. Balancing risk-taking
with security needs can be precarious for the couple, especially
if they bring differing philosophies to the marriage. So what
can couples do to effectively combine incomes and merge goals
without losing their patience or love for one another?
1. Let one person become the principal budget master. This
might be the one who keeps careful accounts and employs
long-range economic vision to benefit everyone in the family. He
or she can manage the checkbook, monitor savings, and recommend
cost-cutting strategies for family members to follow. However,
this should be handled with care to avoid creating tensions or
currying disfavor and resentment. The couple may want to share
the duty or trade off each year.
2. Review financial holdings each year. Both parties should
have a clear understanding of where the money is going, with the
option of suggesting alternative ways of managing the budget or
making changes to accommodate extra income or its reduction.
These discussions need to take place at a time when neither
person is under stress from other factors, but can comfortably
turn their attention to money matters without becoming edgy or
stressed out.
3. Be flexible. Realize that neither of you will probably
endorse all the ways that your partner wants to spend money. But
that's how individualism works. Set aside a monthly "allowance"
for each spouse's personal use, no questions asked. If more is
needed from the joint checkbook, though, both parties should
approve to keep the account from being drained without the other
spouse's consent.
4. Share goals. While allowing for individual spending choices,
make time to discuss shared goals and plans that both of you
want. This will help each of you to have buy-in to the overall
budget and a shared sense of control for the future.
5. Don't hold grudges. When one of the spouses overspends,
spends unwisely, or doesn't spend enough, don't make an issue
out of it. Arrange a casual conversation to address the concern
and try to make adjustments so that both of you can avoid
further problems and feel comfortable with the budget.
Don't let money tear you apart. Use it as a tool to wedge you
together and to build a brighter tomorrow.
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